


What's Good For The Goose

by TwiceALady



Series: Hansweek Prompt Fills [1]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Fluff, Mild Language, Nudity, Prequel, Prompt Fill, Public Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwiceALady/pseuds/TwiceALady
Summary: When an angry, wild goose interrupts his swim, Hans must protect his ‘assets’ and flees in the buff from the vicious creature.NSFWish*Hans Westergaard oneshot for Hansweek 2020 prompt: Hans’s Assets*Originally posted on Tumblr May 25, 2020
Series: Hansweek Prompt Fills [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864912
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	What's Good For The Goose

These sorts of things were _always_ happening to him.

 _Incidents_.

An impromptu lake swim, in the late afternoon heat while staying at the family summer home was not supposed to end in another _incident._

And yet, here he was, sopping wet, buck naked, and facing off against the worst of interlopers.

A goose.

Vicious creatures, really. Nasty waterfowl that if avoided, caused very few problems. Only Hans could not avoid this goose. No, this particular goose was standing on the shore directly on top of his pile of discarded clothing.

And he would very much like to have those back, thank you.

“Hi, there…goose,” he said gently, moving ever so slowly, closer to the animal, much like he would if he were calming a horse.

But a goose was not a horse, and the thing spread its large wings open wide, flapping at him in distress.

“Easy, easy… _nice_ goose, _pretty_ goose…” Hans bent himself lower, almost to a crouch, and the animal quit its flapping, settling a bit, but still watching him warily with those cold, black eyes. Time being of the essence here, he reached a slow, steady hand forward. He just needed to get purchase of his clothes—

The goose lurched, opening its mouth wide and hissed at him. _Hissed_. And God _fucking_ almighty, it was a terrifying sound that sent a plethora of chills down his spine. That was the stuff of pure, eldritch horror right there. It took everything he had to continue to hold his ground.

He needed his damn clothes back. No way was he stupid enough to be caught in the buff by any of his family, and the longer he stood here trying to appease a goose, the better the chances were of someone happening upon him.

Hans moved his hand lower, trying again to reach for his clothing when the goose _moved_. It reared its hideous head towards his hand so quickly that he had only a moment to yank his hand away before the thing snapped its beak at him, nearly catching his fingers.

“Stupid fucking goose!” he growled under his breath, cradling his hand to his body, and losing his patience. He was bigger than it, and certainly that made him more threatening. He’d tried being nice, now he’d just have to scare the damned bird off.

He rose to his full height and advanced towards it, waving his arms. “Move!” he yelled.

And oh, the goose did.

Only not away from him. No, no, the goose was coming _at_ him, and it was angry. It weaved its long neck, snapping at him and hissing, that nightmarish, serrated beak _way_ too close to his nether region for his liking. He realized his mistake standing at his full height just in time, and jumped away before the goose grabbed a hold of his bits.

“Oh! Oh no!” Hans cried in a panic, his retreat not stopping the goose from advancing towards him like it had before. The enraged animal came at him in a sudden flurry of honking and hissing and flapping and snapping—and Hans did the only sensible thing one could do in such a situation.

He ran.

Ran for dear life, the horrid goose right on his heels while he tore off away from the lake, the beast nipping at his bare bottom as he pumped his legs harder to gain speed, racing as fast as he could to get away from the creature, trying to come up with a plan to end the pursuit.

It occurred to him that if he could make it up to the back garden of the estate, he could then get inside from the back entrance, and sneak up to his room. Instantly solving both his current problems, and he could forget this incident had ever happened. He could go retrieve his clothing from the shore later.

It was perfect. He was a genius.

Hans quickly made a wide beeline towards the manor, running up the slope from the shore with the goose still in hot pursuit. Relief washed over him as the high manicured hedge fence came into view, the entrance right there in plain sight.

 _Almost there, almost—Oh_ no.

Voices. Voices he could hear clearly over the flapping and mad honking of the goose the closer he got to the back garden. The steady din of multiple female voices, all talking over one another, and all in the back garden. He instantly felt ill with panic.

His mother was having a garden party.

He’d have to turn around. He racked his brain for a new solution. Maybe this time he could run back to his clothes and snatch them up while running.

If the goose was close enough behind him and he bent over though…

There was nothing for it, he decided. He’d have to risk a bite on the ass if he wanted to avoid causing an _incident_. Left with only one option, Hans abruptly turned. He skidded to a near halt, almost screaming out loud in terror as he came face to face with _another_ goose.

At first, he thought it was the same goose, but he could still hear that one behind him. Definitely a new goose, and definitely as angry as the first. And _oh shit_. This one was bigger.

 _A pair_ , he thought stupidly. A pair of geese…which meant he’d somehow managed to disturb their nest. He groaned. His clothes. He’d had to have put his clothing down either on the nest or too close. And now he was going to pay dearly for his error, because with a goose on either side of him, he had nowhere to run but through the back garden.

Right through his mother’s party.

Buck naked in front of all her friends and guests.

Or, he could get attacked by two geese who were beyond livid with him for threatening their offspring. Attacked right outside the party, causing enough commotion that everyone would come and see, and there he’d be, naked, viciously being accosted by waterfowl like the dumbest fucking idiot.

Neither were good options, but at least if he ran fast enough through the party, he might not be recognized. Might be mistaken for one of his brothers.

There was most certainly going to be an _incident_ , but if he could avoid his mother—

He had no time to think further as the geese closed in on him, corralling him through the garden entrance and straight into the party.

He was noticed immediately.

There were gasps and shrieks, hearty chuckles and shocked cries as he boldly streaked though, naked as the day he was born. His cheeks burned in mortification, hoping against hope that none of these women recognized him as Hans. He ran, and by sheer misfortune, caught his mother’s eye with his own. Her face was livid with unbridled rage, and she absolutely, one hundred percent recognized him.

“My sincerest apologies, Mother!” he shouted breathlessly as he ran past her, two furious geese still following in his wake.

“Did your brothers put you up to this?” she hissed at him so viciously that it put the actual goose’s hissing to shame.

He had no time to answer, the commotion he had caused _had_ called forth his brothers, and a few had arrived via the back door. His means of escape. Hans panicked. Instead of shoving past his siblings, he opted to instead veer off and leap over a set of shorter hedges before his brothers could pick him out in the mad scene he’d created.

Hans landed with a hard thud on the other side of the hedge. He was exhausted from running, and leaping over the hedges had left him with plenty of scratches, but he’d escaped. With the geese still in the primary back garden—now being wrangled by his brothers—he could double back to the lake and get his clothing at last.

As he snuck quietly along the hedge line, keeping low to the ground so as not to be seen again, he could hear the party recovering from his debacle. Conversation buzzed about him, and he was certainly going to hear from his mother later on about this _incident_ , that was for sure. He’d be lucky if she ever let him come back to the summer house again after this.

“ _I say!_ Wasn’t that your youngest?” he heard the Duchess of Vakretta ask rather loudly, because of course she would.

“Yes,” came his mother’s exasperated reply, the disappointment in her voice making him wince. “I honestly don’t know what to do with that one.”

“Marriage,” an elderly voice cackled. He thought it was the Baroness von Einricht. “Marriage would do him a world of good. Nothing quite like a wife to settle a lusty young man down.”

Several women agreed, and suddenly suggestions of eligible ladies were being tossed around left and right. Not surprising that none actually put forth their _own_ eligible daughters. Why would they?

Hans groaned inwardly. That was all he needed, to get saddled with some wife of lower nobility and that would be the end of that. All his hopes, all his dreams and ambitions gone. He was meant for so much more than any of that, and if it wasn’t for these damned _incidents_ that plagued him every where he went, maybe they’d finally see that.

Having heard enough, he continued on his way, only catching bits and pieces of the conversation, until he at last reached the end of the hedge.

“—Arendelle has eligible ones—gates opening soon—”

“Send him as an ambassador—”

He rolled his eyes. He’d never be trusted to be an Ambassador. Not after this. Hans heaved a sigh and headed back down to the lake. At least he could get his clothes back.


End file.
